After I got married, I started getting mail addressed to Mrs. Michael Anderson. I hadn’t actually changed my last name from my maiden name, Dahlstrom, but elderly relatives and companies offering credit cards or discount oil changes seemed to assume I had.
That Halloween, I contemplated dressing up as Mrs. Michael Anderson. I imagined her as my alter ego: She sounded like someone who would be an amazing cook who also enjoyed polishing silver, I thought. She’d be organized and proper. Maybe she’d wear pearls while she baked cookies that weren’t burned. In short, she was not me at all.
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Do you love cake, pizza, pasta and all things wonderfully gluten-rich? If so, then Gluten Mingle would be the perfect dating site for you — if it were real, that is.
A new parody ad from comedic duo Adam Grimes and Jessica Sattelberger touts a haven for find like-minded folk who fancy bread, pasta and beer. According to the ad, meeting someone on Gluten Mingle means you can finally go on a date to that Italian restaurant you’ve always wanted to try, or just share a simple sandwich.
If this was actually a thing, we’d totally sign up — right after eating some baked goods.
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I want to say this as politely and respectfully to women as possible because a brilliant writer like Tina Fey is clearly more than just a sexual object, but my dick literally just exploded in my pants at the end of that. There is an ungodly amount of semen here. I don’t even think I can walk. #YesAllMen
“She was another woman who meant so much to me. When we were doing 30 Rock and we needed to cast Jane Krakowski’s estranged Florida dirtbag mother and I thought, ‘My God, do you think we could get Jan Hooks?’ Because she’s an idol of mine, from the Sweeney Sisters to the Miss Self Esteem Pageant. Just the funniest woman ever. And I was like, ‘Do you think we could get her? And the answer was like, ‘Yeah, you can get her.’ She was living in Woodstock. And the phone was not ringing.
We called her and said, ‘Do you want to do this?’ And she was like, ‘OK?’ She was actually a little shy about jumping back into the game. And she came down and she was so funny. We did a scene where Jenna and her mother are reunited and they’ve been estranged, but they decide to sing their duet that they used to sing in pageants when Jenna was a child. And it was a mother and a daughter singing to each other: “Do that to me one more time…” And it was so funny and the crew was so mesmerized. It was all at once the most ridiculous and heartbreaking and beautiful, this weird mother-daughter relationship. And I’m so proud of it.
It made me sad when she passed, and it made me mad at the time how available she was. Jan should have had a bigger career. Jan deserved a big movie career. Certainly as big as Rob Schneider’s fucking career. She was a bigger star on SNL.”
Because Rob Schneider‘s film career really has no business existing, Tina Fey decided to point that out during her acceptance speech at the Elle Women In Hollywood Awards where she paid tribute to the late Jan Hooks who alongside Nora Dunn paved the way for Tina and Amy on SNL. Via Uproxx:
No matter how long a couple has been together, there’s a base level assumption that they at least know what one another looks like.
But when the lovebirds in the video above were asked to draw each other from memory, replicating their partner on paper proved a lot harder than expected.
“I look like a mean, trashy woman!” one participant says to her boyfriend after seeing his drawing.
“I didn’t realize it,” a man confesses to his girlfriend, “but you look kind of like E.T. here.”
Despite the hiccups — plus a couple cases of misconstrued eye color — the way these couples laugh through the experience is downright adorable. Watch the video and see for yourself.
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Bryan Singer is apparently going to be a father via surrogate, but because I’ve seen enough Hollywood awful that I don’t even want to think about what’ll happen if that kid is a boy (“I do!” Shut up, Stephen Collins.), here’s the Honest Trailer for X-Men: Days of Future Past which does a way more entertaining job than I ever could of pointing out what a mediocre pile of shit everything that wasn’t Quicksilver is on top of basically having the exact plot of Terminator 2. Oh, and boob jokes. There are boob jokes. And you’re off.
Juan Paulo Gutierrez via Getty Images
After pointing out how your husband or wife is very different now compared to how they acted when you first starting dating, I will now give you six little ways to help you start to like your spouse more. Don’t doubt the Blogapist. You are about to get schooled.
1. Stop comparing your spouse to other people’s spouses. Here’s the worst thing to do:
Your friend: “My husband just bought me a new car!”
You: “Oh yeah, well mine just bought me a blender! Ha ha! Yeesh, your husband sounds awesome.”
Here’s what you just did: (a) made your friend feel awesome (b) sabotaged your marriage by making yourself focus on your husband’s disappointing qualities (here, maybe he’s not Mr. Grand Gesture). You can make your friend feel awesome by saying, “Wow, that’s so awesome!” You can skip the counterpoint with your own sucky husband. Believe me, these little comments will add up in your mind and eventually you will think of your spouse as a tremendous black hole of suck.
2. Stop thinking about how your spouse “used to” act. You know what, you used to act a lot different too. If you finally read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples like I keep telling you to, you will see that nobody intentionally acts better at the start of a relationship. I mean, you do, but you’re not like, “Hey, I’m going to pretend to be fun loving and spontaneous and not Type A to really screw with my potential partner, and then once I have ensnared them, I will revert to being shrewish and rigid.” You’re more like, “I am so happy! I’m in love! I’m finally able to relax and have fun, this is awesome and will be the way I am forever in this awesome relationship!” (Read more about imago theory, that says this, here.) So you and your spouse both acted a lot better, either entirely unconsciously or with the best of intentions, and now you’re both annoyed and feel like there was a bait and switch. So STOP fixating on how they “used to” act. It gets you NOWHERE.
3. Do as many nice things as you possibly can. Especially if you don’t want to, because it’s outside your comfort zone. So, have more sex, or talk more. Think outside the box. Buy your wife a commissioned portrait of her cat if that’s going to make her smile. Or draw one yourself. Or bake your husband a cake and put tickets to a football game inside it. Or a gift certificate for oral sex. In a ziploc bag, obviously. You get the drift. If you do more nice things, your spouse will feel happier, because you seem more committed and invested, and then your spouse is going to be more committed and invested, and then everyone wins. And you like them more because they start acting better.
4. Spend time together without the kids doing new things. You say your spouse sucks, but maybe they just suck when you’re in the same old horrible rut. Maybe there are still some new things you can enjoy with your spouse. Try some, without the kids along. And while you’re there, act as nice as you used to when you were dating. If this doesn’t help your spouse to act his or her best, I’d be surprised.
5. Tell your spouse directly how you feel, using “I” statements. Stop saying passive aggressive things like, “Must be nice!” when you see your husband watching his second hour of football while you Swiffer, change the baby, and do crafts with the kids. Instead, say “I feel upset that you’re not helping me out more.” And follow this with….
6. Ask for what you want, pleasantly. “Can you please come here and help Madison finish this pumpkin craft while I start dinner?” Delivered with a smile. If your spouse says no, go back to step #5 and give him another I statement, like “I’m frustrated that you’re not helping me.” For guys, this can be, “Hey, can we have sex tonight? I love you and I miss you.” Pleasant is key. It may often be that your spouse has no idea how important something is to you, because you don’t directly state how you feel. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and see if a response will come if you express exactly what you want and why you want it.
Well, that’s it. If you try these six things, you will likely be liking your spouse at least a little bit more by the end of the week. Baby steps.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Thinks That Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Can Happen in a Blog Post.
For more, visit Dr. Psych Mom, or join me on Facebook or Twitter.
Remember the days when couples anxiously awaited pictures from their photographer for their first glimpse of the special day when they exchanged vows? Ya, me neither. For better or worse, it seems like cell phones and selfies have been woven into the fabric of wedding day celebrations. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good selfie, but I can’t help but cringe when guests’ cell phones take up more real estate in wedding photos than the floral arrangements.
Call me old fashioned, but I still believe that weddings should be romantic. Saying your vows in front of your friends and family is (hopefully) a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Taking cell phone pictures and guests getting in the way of the photographer you paid $3,000 to be there just takes away that wedding day sparkle.
So where should you draw the line? Where can technology enhance the experience and when is it just a romance killer? Here’s my quick list of wedding technology dos and don’ts to help keep you firmly grounded in the beautiful reality of your wedding day.
DO: Set Up a Wedding Website
Between the venue, caterer and finding the perfect dress, the last thing you need to be worrying about is managing guest RSVPs and answering all of your guests’ questions about the details of your wedding — where should we stay? What is the best way to get there? Where do I need to meet for the rehearsal dinner? It is exhausting just thinking about it. Cue the free wedding website. It’s the perfect place to put logistical information for guests, manage RSVPs and tactfully share your gift registry. It is also the perfect place to share sentimental details about where you met, how you fell in love and why you are choosing to include different rituals or symbols in your wedding ceremony.
While it’s not for every couple, these options are easy for most guests and help keep misunderstandings about the details to a minimum.
DON’T: DIY Music Via iPod
While using an iPod may seem like a great way to save money at your wedding, I have seen this strategy cause some awkward moments reminiscent of high school dance days. Either there is an issue with the speaker, the plugs and the charger or, more frequently, the rhythm the couple imagined when they set up the playlist does not quite sync with the timing and mood of the guests. A great band or DJ knows how to read a crowd and keep people moving. They can also slow things down and make it, ahem, a little more romantic. If you can afford one, they are well worth the expense. If not, and an iPod is all your budget will tolerate, make sure you have different types of playlists and that someone else is in charge of making the night flow.
DO: Create a Hashtag for Your Wedding
Especially for younger couples, a hashtag makes gathering all of your guests’ pictures easy — allowing you to experience your wedding from many vantage points. However, make sure you set the expectations out clearly beforehand, and during the wedding itself. If you don’t want phone cameras clicking or blinking during the ceremony, make a note on the program, put up a chalkboard reminder at the front of the aisle and/or ask your officiant to politely request that guests turn off their phones. Otherwise, you can expect every picture of the guests to include people holding up devices. Definitely not very romantic.
DON’T: Expect Your Friends to Replace a Professional Photographer
As much fun as your friends’ pictures will be, they are not going to be the same caliber as a professional photographer, and it’s not fair to ask your friends to take on the responsibility of documenting your wedding for you. Hire someone whose style you like and let them worry about getting the perfect angles and lighting while you and your friends enjoy the events.
DO: Have a Photobooth
It is amazing what a couple of drinks, a camera and some pink boas can do for your guests. The pictures you get from a wedding photobooth can be the best ones — or at least the most entertaining — from the whole event. However, this is another area where a DIY version can be a real distraction for you or an unwitting friend. There are many companies that specialize in photo-booth set up. However, if you want to keep it simple, ask your photographer to set up a system with a self-clicker, and to be responsible for making sure it is working throughout the night.
Whenever considering a technology solution for your wedding, you should ask yourself whether it has the potential to draw you or your guests’ attention away from actually experiencing the moment. If the chances are high, it’s better to skip it. You can always retake a selfie, but you can never recreate the memory of your first real married kiss.
And one more for shits and giggles because, yup, everything looks proportional here:
So here’s Kris Jenner’s version:
It’s no secret that the Kardashians Photoshop their Instagram pics to fuck and back. But since they always deny it, it’s fun to see them blatantly get caught doing it. Which is exactly what happened to Kris Jenner after she posted a shopped photo with Gordon Ramsay without realizing that he already shared his own six days earlier. Or she just didn’t care because it’s not like Kardashian fans are the sharpest cakes in the urinal. You can literally tell them anything:
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“Kim spends so much time with North. They’re practically inseparable.”
“I JUST WANNA WATCH THE THINGS HAPPEN ON THE TV.”
And here’s Gordon Ramsay’s from six days earlier because apparently that’s how long it takes to airbrush a demon:
And if you’re wondering just how powerful their filters are, it even works on Wookiees!
Jesus. Sounds like the client from hel- oh, wait, there’s more:
In related news, Joe Giudice caught The A-Team movie the other night and filed a motion to stay in that jail Bradley Cooper was in. “The one with the broads that touch your dick and stuff,” he hand-wrote on the back of a pizza menu.
“Both for my clients and myself, I work hard to maintain a strong relationship with the Bureau of Prisons. As I’ve tried to instruct Teresa, this is a process that must be respected. A designation to a camp is a gift, not a requirement from the BOP and the judge. By making this request, Teresa has jeopardized months of work, months of preparation and in fact may jeopardize where she is ultimately designated or sent to.
“My ultimate responsibility is to all of my clients, not just to Teresa. I’m hopeful that, at some point, a change occurs and rehabilitation begins. My thought and wishes will always be with her children.”
Photo: Splash News
To catch everybody up, Teresa Giudice was sentenced to 15 months in prison for fraud. Her husband got 41 months, and the tears of their children will be reality fuel, but that’s not the most ridiculous part. The most ridiculous part is Teresa getting fired by her crisis manager for fucking up the entire sentencing process by going behind her back to try and book herself at the jail from Orange Is The New Black. No really. E! News reports:
When asked how often Teresa, 42, refused her advice, Feldman said, “Many times in writing and verbally.”
Feldman added the Giudices will continue to look for “yes” people “til the end.”
“A relationship takes respect and effort as well as honesty,” Feldman told Page Six Tuesday morning via email. “This relationship was filled with more problems than usual clients have because of the constant refusal of Teresa to accept responsibility for the smallest thing. This may be due to poor prior advice and so a coping mechanism or just plain denial. In any event, federal prison is no joke and must be navigated with extreme care. In the end that wasn’t done and so the relationship had to take a new direction. This is very sad. And after months of hard work not a decision made lightly. I wish it was different but I have other clients who need their interests protected as well.”
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Her children that are goddamn doomed with a terrible fucking mother if these follow-up quotes to Page Six are any indication:
So okay, I understand how looking at a painting of Jesus on a cross reminds you how you’ll never get to bang Megan Fox again, because looking at anything should be reminding you of that, but what exactly does Christianity have to do with being an uncontrollable, drunk rage monster?
There’s no rehearsed fight scenes. You’re getting punched in the face for real. There is no room for actors. It was like becoming Christian—you subject yourself to everything that’s coming. You relinquish everything.
It almost sounds like he’s saying that finding Christianity brought him to the realization that there’s no such thing as acting. You take a role, you just live your life like you’re that person until the movie wraps whether you’re on set or not, wreak a bunch of havoc in your path, then chalk it all up to God’s will and move on. I’d say he got it completely.
I found God doing Fury. [Ed. Note: This movie was shot a full year before his drunken NYC theater arrest, so yeah...] I became a Christian man, and not in a fucking bullshit way—in a very real way. I could have just said the prayers that were on the page. But it was a real thing that really saved me. And you can’t identify unless you’re really going through it. It’s a full-blown exchange of heart, a surrender of control.
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Since the 14th century there’s been this martyrdom in art, Jesus on a cross, the Apostles being boiled in oil. But that also exists in cinema—martyrdom. Theater is about dying, about doing it so that other people don’t have to. I’m showing up with a set of problems, and I hope that they die when I’m done.
So just to recap: Step 1. Become actor. Step 2. Use fame to become giant asshole. Step 3. Something, something Jesus. Step 4. Periodically go “Oh wow, I did all that? My bad.” *kiss two fingers, point to sky* Step 5. Continue being fabulously wealthy and existing entirely in the bubble of your crazy, crazy mind.
It’s why I love being an actor—I never have to actually look at myself or be faced with my shit or take responsibility. So it’s been an eye-opening thing to have to look at myself, at my life, and have these reflective moments.
Still not getting it…
Posted by Photo Boy
If you’re wondering what the fuck that headline means, let me get the answer right out of the way. Nothing. It means absolutely nothing other than it’s one of the rambling, navel-gazing responses Shia LaBeouf mouth-farted to Interview Magazine during what felt like an endless diatribe on art, life, and how acting is dying in front of an audience? (Sadly, not literally.)