After I got married, I started getting mail addressed to Mrs. Michael Anderson. I hadn’t actually changed my last name from my maiden name, Dahlstrom, but elderly relatives and companies offering credit cards or discount oil changes seemed to assume I had.
That Halloween, I contemplated dressing up as Mrs. Michael Anderson. I imagined her as my alter ego: She sounded like someone who would be an amazing cook who also enjoyed polishing silver, I thought. She’d be organized and proper. Maybe she’d wear pearls while she baked cookies that weren’t burned. In short, she was not me at all.
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Do you love cake, pizza, pasta and all things wonderfully gluten-rich? If so, then Gluten Mingle would be the perfect dating site for you — if it were real, that is.
A new parody ad from comedic duo Adam Grimes and Jessica Sattelberger touts a haven for find like-minded folk who fancy bread, pasta and beer. According to the ad, meeting someone on Gluten Mingle means you can finally go on a date to that Italian restaurant you’ve always wanted to try, or just share a simple sandwich.
If this was actually a thing, we’d totally sign up — right after eating some baked goods.
No matter how long a couple has been together, there’s a base level assumption that they at least know what one another looks like.
But when the lovebirds in the video above were asked to draw each other from memory, replicating their partner on paper proved a lot harder than expected.
“I look like a mean, trashy woman!” one participant says to her boyfriend after seeing his drawing.
“I didn’t realize it,” a man confesses to his girlfriend, “but you look kind of like E.T. here.”
Despite the hiccups — plus a couple cases of misconstrued eye color — the way these couples laugh through the experience is downright adorable. Watch the video and see for yourself.
Juan Paulo Gutierrez via Getty Images
After pointing out how your husband or wife is very different now compared to how they acted when you first starting dating, I will now give you six little ways to help you start to like your spouse more. Don’t doubt the Blogapist. You are about to get schooled.
1. Stop comparing your spouse to other people’s spouses. Here’s the worst thing to do:
Your friend: “My husband just bought me a new car!”
You: “Oh yeah, well mine just bought me a blender! Ha ha! Yeesh, your husband sounds awesome.”
Here’s what you just did: (a) made your friend feel awesome (b) sabotaged your marriage by making yourself focus on your husband’s disappointing qualities (here, maybe he’s not Mr. Grand Gesture). You can make your friend feel awesome by saying, “Wow, that’s so awesome!” You can skip the counterpoint with your own sucky husband. Believe me, these little comments will add up in your mind and eventually you will think of your spouse as a tremendous black hole of suck.
2. Stop thinking about how your spouse “used to” act. You know what, you used to act a lot different too. If you finally read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples like I keep telling you to, you will see that nobody intentionally acts better at the start of a relationship. I mean, you do, but you’re not like, “Hey, I’m going to pretend to be fun loving and spontaneous and not Type A to really screw with my potential partner, and then once I have ensnared them, I will revert to being shrewish and rigid.” You’re more like, “I am so happy! I’m in love! I’m finally able to relax and have fun, this is awesome and will be the way I am forever in this awesome relationship!” (Read more about imago theory, that says this, here.) So you and your spouse both acted a lot better, either entirely unconsciously or with the best of intentions, and now you’re both annoyed and feel like there was a bait and switch. So STOP fixating on how they “used to” act. It gets you NOWHERE.
3. Do as many nice things as you possibly can. Especially if you don’t want to, because it’s outside your comfort zone. So, have more sex, or talk more. Think outside the box. Buy your wife a commissioned portrait of her cat if that’s going to make her smile. Or draw one yourself. Or bake your husband a cake and put tickets to a football game inside it. Or a gift certificate for oral sex. In a ziploc bag, obviously. You get the drift. If you do more nice things, your spouse will feel happier, because you seem more committed and invested, and then your spouse is going to be more committed and invested, and then everyone wins. And you like them more because they start acting better.
4. Spend time together without the kids doing new things. You say your spouse sucks, but maybe they just suck when you’re in the same old horrible rut. Maybe there are still some new things you can enjoy with your spouse. Try some, without the kids along. And while you’re there, act as nice as you used to when you were dating. If this doesn’t help your spouse to act his or her best, I’d be surprised.
5. Tell your spouse directly how you feel, using “I” statements. Stop saying passive aggressive things like, “Must be nice!” when you see your husband watching his second hour of football while you Swiffer, change the baby, and do crafts with the kids. Instead, say “I feel upset that you’re not helping me out more.” And follow this with….
6. Ask for what you want, pleasantly. “Can you please come here and help Madison finish this pumpkin craft while I start dinner?” Delivered with a smile. If your spouse says no, go back to step #5 and give him another I statement, like “I’m frustrated that you’re not helping me.” For guys, this can be, “Hey, can we have sex tonight? I love you and I miss you.” Pleasant is key. It may often be that your spouse has no idea how important something is to you, because you don’t directly state how you feel. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and see if a response will come if you express exactly what you want and why you want it.
Well, that’s it. If you try these six things, you will likely be liking your spouse at least a little bit more by the end of the week. Baby steps.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Thinks That Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Can Happen in a Blog Post.
For more, visit Dr. Psych Mom, or join me on Facebook or Twitter.
Remember the days when couples anxiously awaited pictures from their photographer for their first glimpse of the special day when they exchanged vows? Ya, me neither. For better or worse, it seems like cell phones and selfies have been woven into the fabric of wedding day celebrations. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good selfie, but I can’t help but cringe when guests’ cell phones take up more real estate in wedding photos than the floral arrangements.
Call me old fashioned, but I still believe that weddings should be romantic. Saying your vows in front of your friends and family is (hopefully) a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Taking cell phone pictures and guests getting in the way of the photographer you paid $3,000 to be there just takes away that wedding day sparkle.
So where should you draw the line? Where can technology enhance the experience and when is it just a romance killer? Here’s my quick list of wedding technology dos and don’ts to help keep you firmly grounded in the beautiful reality of your wedding day.
DO: Set Up a Wedding Website
Between the venue, caterer and finding the perfect dress, the last thing you need to be worrying about is managing guest RSVPs and answering all of your guests’ questions about the details of your wedding — where should we stay? What is the best way to get there? Where do I need to meet for the rehearsal dinner? It is exhausting just thinking about it. Cue the free wedding website. It’s the perfect place to put logistical information for guests, manage RSVPs and tactfully share your gift registry. It is also the perfect place to share sentimental details about where you met, how you fell in love and why you are choosing to include different rituals or symbols in your wedding ceremony.
While it’s not for every couple, these options are easy for most guests and help keep misunderstandings about the details to a minimum.
DON’T: DIY Music Via iPod
While using an iPod may seem like a great way to save money at your wedding, I have seen this strategy cause some awkward moments reminiscent of high school dance days. Either there is an issue with the speaker, the plugs and the charger or, more frequently, the rhythm the couple imagined when they set up the playlist does not quite sync with the timing and mood of the guests. A great band or DJ knows how to read a crowd and keep people moving. They can also slow things down and make it, ahem, a little more romantic. If you can afford one, they are well worth the expense. If not, and an iPod is all your budget will tolerate, make sure you have different types of playlists and that someone else is in charge of making the night flow.
DO: Create a Hashtag for Your Wedding
Especially for younger couples, a hashtag makes gathering all of your guests’ pictures easy — allowing you to experience your wedding from many vantage points. However, make sure you set the expectations out clearly beforehand, and during the wedding itself. If you don’t want phone cameras clicking or blinking during the ceremony, make a note on the program, put up a chalkboard reminder at the front of the aisle and/or ask your officiant to politely request that guests turn off their phones. Otherwise, you can expect every picture of the guests to include people holding up devices. Definitely not very romantic.
DON’T: Expect Your Friends to Replace a Professional Photographer
As much fun as your friends’ pictures will be, they are not going to be the same caliber as a professional photographer, and it’s not fair to ask your friends to take on the responsibility of documenting your wedding for you. Hire someone whose style you like and let them worry about getting the perfect angles and lighting while you and your friends enjoy the events.
DO: Have a Photobooth
It is amazing what a couple of drinks, a camera and some pink boas can do for your guests. The pictures you get from a wedding photobooth can be the best ones — or at least the most entertaining — from the whole event. However, this is another area where a DIY version can be a real distraction for you or an unwitting friend. There are many companies that specialize in photo-booth set up. However, if you want to keep it simple, ask your photographer to set up a system with a self-clicker, and to be responsible for making sure it is working throughout the night.
Whenever considering a technology solution for your wedding, you should ask yourself whether it has the potential to draw you or your guests’ attention away from actually experiencing the moment. If the chances are high, it’s better to skip it. You can always retake a selfie, but you can never recreate the memory of your first real married kiss.
So okay, I understand how looking at a painting of Jesus on a cross reminds you how you’ll never get to bang Megan Fox again, because looking at anything should be reminding you of that, but what exactly does Christianity have to do with being an uncontrollable, drunk rage monster?
There’s no rehearsed fight scenes. You’re getting punched in the face for real. There is no room for actors. It was like becoming Christian—you subject yourself to everything that’s coming. You relinquish everything.
It almost sounds like he’s saying that finding Christianity brought him to the realization that there’s no such thing as acting. You take a role, you just live your life like you’re that person until the movie wraps whether you’re on set or not, wreak a bunch of havoc in your path, then chalk it all up to God’s will and move on. I’d say he got it completely.
I found God doing Fury. [Ed. Note: This movie was shot a full year before his drunken NYC theater arrest, so yeah...] I became a Christian man, and not in a fucking bullshit way—in a very real way. I could have just said the prayers that were on the page. But it was a real thing that really saved me. And you can’t identify unless you’re really going through it. It’s a full-blown exchange of heart, a surrender of control.
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Since the 14th century there’s been this martyrdom in art, Jesus on a cross, the Apostles being boiled in oil. But that also exists in cinema—martyrdom. Theater is about dying, about doing it so that other people don’t have to. I’m showing up with a set of problems, and I hope that they die when I’m done.
So just to recap: Step 1. Become actor. Step 2. Use fame to become giant asshole. Step 3. Something, something Jesus. Step 4. Periodically go “Oh wow, I did all that? My bad.” *kiss two fingers, point to sky* Step 5. Continue being fabulously wealthy and existing entirely in the bubble of your crazy, crazy mind.
It’s why I love being an actor—I never have to actually look at myself or be faced with my shit or take responsibility. So it’s been an eye-opening thing to have to look at myself, at my life, and have these reflective moments.
Still not getting it…
Posted by Photo Boy
If you’re wondering what the fuck that headline means, let me get the answer right out of the way. Nothing. It means absolutely nothing other than it’s one of the rambling, navel-gazing responses Shia LaBeouf mouth-farted to Interview Magazine during what felt like an endless diatribe on art, life, and how acting is dying in front of an audience? (Sadly, not literally.)
Design Pics via Getty Images
Over the past six months, I’ve played 20 questions more than I’ve wanted to about my lack of martial name change. These are the top 10 things married women, who kept their maiden name, are sick of hearing. I’m sharing these with you to start a discussion on how we see people and how we can build each other up. Also, some of the conversations are just made-for-Modern-Family funny.
1.”Do you planned to get divorced?” If I was planning to get divorced, I would not go through the hassle of getting married (a wedding is a pain in the butt). My sarcastic side has started answering “yes” to this question to be entertained by the ensuing social experiment. My husband also didn’t change his name, and somehow he hasn’t been asked this.
2.”Guess you aren’t going to have kids” My favorite place I heard this one was while shopping in a carpet store with my husband. All of my patience was needed so that I wouldn’t leap over the table and shake some sense into the sales lady who was taking down our contact info. As a carpet saleswomen, does it matter if I do or don’t want to have kids? Is that part of the intake sheet? How many square feet, room layout, carpet style, pets, and how fertile are you? Now I know kids tend to spill on carpets, but red wine stains just as much as grape jelly. Plus, red wine seems to be in alliance with gravity to only drop in the middle of the white carpet floor. Even if this woman had known me for more than three minutes, it would still not be okay to make an assumption on someone’s family planning. Let’s keep in mind that making assumptions about family planning can be particular harsh to hear for people who have suffered fertility problems, miscarriage and who have lost a child. Oct. 15 is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day, and what may seem like simple “small talk” can actually stir up intense emotions.
3.”Are his parents okay with that?” I actually heard this one on my wedding day, to which I asked in disbelief why it mattered. I fully believe that marriage unites families, not just the individuals. I would hate to offend anyone by not sharing their name, but at the same time, I choose my husband (and his family) because I could be myself around them.
4.”Oh, I guess I just really loved my husband so I took his name” I told you my name, I didn’t question if you loved your husband or not — but thanks for questioning me. I’m not the type to judge women on if they keep their name or not, nor do I need his name to prove anything. Amal Clooney, no matter what you call yourself, here is to a happy partnership.
5.”I guess that’s okay these days” In 1931, Amelia Earhart married and made headlines because she kept her maiden name. I’d like to think that Americans have made some progress since 1931, but apparently we haven’t yet “these days”.
6.”You’re one of those types of women” I’m always confused by this one. A work colleague told me this last week and I had no idea what he meant. When I asked him, he apparently didn’t know what he meant either (or he decided to finally just be quiet, hint: one cannot get in trouble for being quiet). Maybe this is a compliment in disguise. Yes, I’m a strong, independent women who values herself, is that what you mean?
7.”Maybe you’ll change your name someday” Anything is possible, but it’s not up for debate while I’m renewing my car registration at the DMV. I know your dream as a child was probably not to be behind the desk at the DMV, but I didn’t walk up to your work station and judge you on that choice. It’s honestly more likely that I’ll be like Phoebe Buffay from Friends and change my name to something like “Princess Consuela Banana Hammock” (but not her fiancé’s Mike’s “Crap Bag” name idea).
8.”But socially you’ll go by your husband’s name, right?” Socially if someone calls me Mrs. Husband’s Name, sure I’ll gladly turn around and respond. But will I introduce myself as someone I am not? No. It’s a real struggle to remain authentic to oneself in society, so I cannot pretend to be something I’m not. If I wanted people to refer to me by my husband’s name, I would have taken his name. It’s not like we’re in a secret marriage. We both wear wedding bands and we introduce each other as “my husband/wife”.
9.”Your career isn’t that name-centric for you to keep your maiden name” Yeah, as an engineer would I loose clients if I changed my name? Not likely. Would I gain clients if I changed my name? No way. Yet people always want to talk about how my career affects my decision to keep my name, meanwhile I didn’t consult my career when I decided to get married or how I spend my weekends.
10.”But how will people know you’re married?” I’m coming up on my 10 year high school reunion and I was asked by someone close to me, “oh, you should socially go by his name so that people know you got married.” This implies that as a married person I accomplished more than my single peers, and is simply another form of single shaming women. How will I know if my male classmates are married? Why is marital status something women have to publicly display for a first impression?
- Cora Skinner in lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Buzzfeed is the most distrusted media outlet. [Death and Taxes]
- Renee Zellweger responds to Internet: “I’m healthy.” [tooFab]
- Oscar Pistorius will basically spend 10 months in prison. If that. [WWTDD]
Photos: INFphoto, Splash News
- Adobe sides with #GamerGate because the poor wiener children are being “bullied.” [The Frisky]
- Cailin Russo is topless again. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Your Hypnotic Ass GIF of The Day [Girls In Cute Underwear]
- Ryan Phillippe: “I’ve only made five good movies.” [Dlisted]
- Presenting The Internet’s Booty Hall of Fame [theCHIVE]
- Dean McDermott used to jerk off to Tori Spelling when she was on 90210. [Fishwrapper]
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- Keeley Hazell is still hot. [Popoholic]
- Selena Gomez might be banging Orlando Bloom again. [Lainey Gossip]
Christopher Kimmel via Getty Images
Not everyone cooks.
Some people enjoy cooking and do it well.
Others cook only because they need to eat. If there’s a fast and easy way to do it, they will find it.
I love to eat (unfortunately.) But when it comes to cooking . . . let’s just say it’s not my all-time favorite thing to do.
Fortunately, I’m married to a chef.
Now before all the stereotypes of how amazing it must be to be married to a chef start popping in your head, remember that chefs cook meals for people. That means when we eat dinner and home, he’s not here. He’s at the restaurant. So if our family is going to eat, I’m usually the one cooking, whether it is my favorite thing to do or not.
Growing up, my Mom cooked so we could eat. She was an average cook and I have no complaints. Our life did not revolve around food. We just ate meals because we were hungry and needed to eat.
My chef/husband grew up in a family that LOVED food. His mom is an amazing cook and food was always presented beautifully. Food and the presentation of it were very important to them. (It’s no surprise that he ended up as a chef.)
Over the past 24 years of either dating or being married to my chef/husband, I have learned to not hate cooking. While it’s still not my favorite thing to do, I guess you could say it’s growing on me.
The times I’m able to cook alongside my chef/husband in the kitchen are few and far between as he’s usually in the restaurant cooking for others. But when they do happen, I ask questions about what he’s doing, why he’s doing it and how I could use the food or technique another time when I’m cooking. I’m sure it probably feels a little like work for him, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
Below is a list of 17 things I’ve learned over the years from my chef/husband. Some of them might seem very obvious to you, but honestly, when we got married, I did not know any of them. (Maybe I shouldn’t be admitting that . . . please don’t laugh. )
- If you are going to cut yourself, it is better to do so with a sharp knife than a dull one.
- Use a new piece of Saran wrap each time you put cheese away.
- Scoop flour with a spoon into a measuring cup instead of using the measuring cup to scoop it.
- When you defrost something in the refrigerator, always do so on the bottom shelf, so if it leaks or spills, it doesn’t ruin all the food below it.
- Never cook chicken in the crock pot on low.
- If the chef suggests purchasing something for the kitchen, buy it immediately. Don’t wait 6 months. You’ll end up loving it and wonder how you ever lived without it.
- Never buy a knife set that contains all serrated knives.
- Taste everything before you serve it.
- You can leave the salt and pepper off the table. Things should be seasoned properly before they get to the table.
- Place a wet towel or wash cloth under the cutting board so it doesn’t move around.
- You can never have too many knives.
- Always label EVERYTHING.
- Leave the root on the onion when you are cutting it.
- Say, “Behind,” “Corner,” or “On your right,” when navigating through the kitchen.
- Not all recipes on the Internet or in cookbooks will turn out. Make sure to run a new recipe past the chef first to make sure there are no obvious mistakes.
- Always have a good supply of Band-Aids (waterproof and regular) in the house. You never know when you will need them.
- If the chef makes a suggestion when you are cooking, it’s best to follow it. He knows what he’s talking about.
I wonder if I’m the only chef wife or girlfriend who needed cooking lessons to be able to survive in the kitchen. Hopefully not . . .
You can read more about combining restaurant and family life over on Jennifer’s blog, EmulsifiedFamily.com. You can also follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.
Showtime’s new drama, “The Affair,” presents two perspectives of the same tragic love story. This leads to a series of conflicting accounts most concisely referred to as “Rashomon” moments (named for the famous film by Akira Kurosawa). Are such mismatched perspectives a realistic account of the way we remember our lives? HuffPost Entertainment spoke to “The Affair” co-creator and writer Sarah Treem and renowned memory expert Elizabeth Loftus, who is not affiliated with the show, to find out.
“We do have a tendency to distort our memories in ways that make us look better or feel better about ourselves.”
Sarah Treem wouldn’t call the two main characters of “The Affair” unreliable narrators. Their memories differ so drastically at times it seems inevitable one or both of them are lying. The way Treem sees it, the objective truth lies somewhere between Noah and Alison’s version of the story, a middle ground that is perhaps only available to the audience. Neither is trying to obscure what happened with the two distinct accounts presented across each episode. The reality is simply that both remember themselves as the heroes of their own story.
“The Affair” is, as New York Magazine television critic Matt Zoller Seitz put it, the first show that’s “mainly about how we shape life narratives to flatter ourselves.” And it’s not just a creative rendering of how we retrospectively imagine our lives. In fact, we often distort memories and false ones can be implanted through something as simple as suggestion. As unsettling as this may be, the wildly differing accounts represented in “The Affair” are an accurate representation of the malleable way we form memories in real life.
“It doesn’t surprise me that you can get very rich dramatic memories for things that never happened,” Elizabeth Loftus told HuffPost Entertainment. Over the past 40 years, Loftus has done extensive work investigating the way false memories can be created. “In the research, either I or others have planted memories about being lost and frightened, about having an accident at a family wedding, of being attacked by an animal as a child, all made up and injected into the mind of the subject for purposes of studying this process.”
“I can imagine somebody thinking they saved a child from choking when they didn’t.”
That process is called “external suggestion,” but “autosuggestion” (as in from the self and not a researcher or other outside influence) is another common way that memories can come to reflect things that did not occur. “We can suggest things to ourselves. We draw inferences about what might have happened and these inferences can solidify and feel like memories,” Loftus said. “Sometimes, we imagine things that are different from what the truth is and later those imaginings get remembered as though they’re actual experiences.”
What struck Loftus from the pilot episode of “The Affair” was the scene in which Noah’s daughter is choking. From his perspective, Noah saves his daughter; from Alison’s point of view, she is responsible for dislodging the marble from the girl’s throat.
“A layperson might say, ‘Wait a minute, how could you possibly think you did it? One of these two people or both of them didn’t do it,'” Loftus said. “But we do have a tendency to distort our memories in ways that make us look better or feel better about ourselves, in a way that satisfies some kind of motivation we have.”
In writing the choking scene, Treem received notes saying it should be reversed: each character would remember the other saved Noah’s daughter. But she didn’t find that authentic.
“They wanted the opposite, almost like a meet-cute, where you could understand why they fell in love with each other in the moment, because they both remember the other person as a savior,” she said. “But it seemed to me more interesting and perhaps more psychologically accurate if they both remembered themselves doing it. They basically have an ego in their understanding and remembrance of what happened in that moment.”
“There is research showing we remember our grades as higher than they were, we remember we voted in elections that we didn’t vote in, that we gave more to charity than we really did, that our kids walked and talked at earlier ages than they really did,” Loftus explained. “So, I can imagine somebody thinking they saved a child from choking when they didn’t, because it might make them feel better about themselves.”
Loftus also noted that sometimes creating memories can be based on not simply flattering ourselves, but filling some need. Since Alison’s child has died, Treem considered the fact that she might find some emotional fulfillment in saving a child from dying.
“‘In a more flattering light’ is one way we shift memories, but also if it serves some motivation,” Loftus said. “You might not think there would be a point to remembering, for example, that you’d been molested. What’s flattering about that? But it’s serving some other purpose. It’s explaining your problems.”
“I was like ‘Oh God, I don’t want to think about this, I don’t want to write about this, I don’t want to put myself in the mind of this character. This is insane.””
It’s worth noting that Treem wanted to take out the dead child storyline after she had her son. She added that element to make the audience sympathetic to Alison, but actually having a child of her own changed everything.
“After I had my son I was like ‘Oh god, I don’t want to think about this, I don’t want to write about this, I don’t want to put myself in the mind of this character. This is insane,'” she said. “But it was too late because we had already gone down that road, and it becomes the centralizing conflict.”
That is one extreme element that affects the different points of view. Throughout the pilot and series, the POV is also altered in more subtle ways, which are revelatory of the way our perception distorts reality, even in non-stressful events. For example, Alison is much less dowdy in Noah’s sequences (Alison even has a spray tan that’s missing from scenes where she remembers herself at a time when she was depressed).
By bringing the audience in as participants to think about where the empirical reality lies, Treem was interested in presenting understanding as dialectic. “The objective truth is that no one person is the purveyor of truth,” she said. “Everyone approaches the situation through the prism of their own perspective. Therefore, everybody is somewhat subjective in their memory, in the way that they’re telling the story. The objective truth exists in the conversation between the two sides.”
The selfishness of all of that — and the way the ego exerts itself — is perhaps what stands out most of all in the way we distort memories to turn ourselves into the hero. And that’s especially uncomfortable when you’re dealing with the romance of an affair.
“Love stories are so much much about the other person, and coming together and sacrificing yourself. But I don’t actually think that is how we fall in love,” Treem said. “I think a lot of the times we fall in love with people because of the way that they see us. They see us as the most idealized version of ourselves, and that makes us feel good.”